A Date with the Shocker
The best email I’ve received all year arrived yesterday, courtesy of David Pizzi, my former assistant at Grey Worldwide. Dave’s message pointed me to www.marryblaire.com, where Blaire Allison, 
a 26-year-old Jerseyite who specializes in Bachelorette Party planning, has appealed to the web masses to help find her a husband by December 2004. Dave, as it turns out, isn’t just some dirty lurker on the girl’s site; he’s the “Man of the Week,” the latest date candidate offered up to her site’s readers for evaluation. Here’s an excerpt from the Dave page: “So - what do we think? I think he’s totally adorable! I just love a man in a suit!”
Oh yeah, and I also dig a man who can administer the shocker!
I have fond memories of Dave’s and my time at Grey. As advertising agencies go, Grey was about as soulless and corporate as you get, and Dave helped make my final days there bearable. With all our bosses fired, and us basically working on a defunct account, we enjoyed extra long lunches—watching the NCAA tournament, catching a matinee of “Blow,” and wandering aimlessly around Times Square—during which Dave recounted his most recent office conquest. Telling me about one girl he recently had relations with, he explained that “she just loved the shocker.”
“The what?” I said.
“You don’t know the shocker?” Dave said, surprised. He held up his index and pinky fingers, making a horn gesture, aka the sign of the cuckold. “You know,” he grinned, “Shock. Her.” He jabbed his fingers upward, shaking them in the air. Something about the bug-eyed, disgusted expression on my face made him laugh—a booming belly chuckle. For a brief moment, I worried that Dave might try to shock me.
It’s been about five years, but I haven’t forgotten about Pizzi. So, yes Blaire, I think he’s a keeper. Despite the red eyes and Montclair State University diploma, he’s a good man who will make you happy. Witness the recent email exchange, where one of Dave’s snotty friends responded to his message with, “that chick looks like a mule with an ‘a’ cup. … seriously son, you hit that didn’t you?” To which Dave responded: “She modeled for Maxim…not too shabby.” How many guys out there will stick up for you like that? I rest my case. And, in so doing, hereby nominate Dave Pizzi as Mr. Blaire Allison, 2004.
June 25th, 2004 at 2:00 pm
oh oh didn’t seem to go so well:
“instead I was being asked more intimate questions about my life than I felt comfortable sharing on a first date…and he was freely sharing deep feelings of his. That’s uncomfortable.”
Bad Dave. Should have just gone right to the shocker
June 25th, 2004 at 2:18 pm
UP
The good news: Pizzi and Allison are still on the market. So, all you singletons out there, now’s your chance! Kori and Gabe, if you play your cards right, you too could be the next “Man of the Week.” And ladies, cross your fingers, you might be the next lucky shocker recipient.
June 25th, 2004 at 2:39 pm
Sorry to mimic Andy’s post. We must’ve been writing at the same time.
NB: For all you Portugal posters out there (i.e. Figo, Crisiano, Korey), the Postuguese word for “shocker” is “shustu.” I learned this from Ana’s cousin–God bless his soul–right before he offered to take me to a peep show in Lisbon.
June 25th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
I beat you by 18 min! You are a slow commenter.
July 6th, 2004 at 2:38 pm
A few comments:
1. Underappreciated quote from Blaire: “Best of luck Dave! Although we ended awkwardly and uncomfortably I wish you all the best.” Awesome.
2. Too bad for me: Blaire’s looking only for Jewish guys. Korey could pass for one way easier than I could.
3. I think the correct pronunciation is more along the lines of “sushtu” although all of my memories of those weeks are drowned in some combination of vinho verde and that really strong Portuguese coffee.
4. I couldn’t go out with a girl named Blaire anyway. It sounds like the name of one of John Kerry’s estates.
July 13th, 2004 at 10:36 pm
Yeah, but Dave never called Blaire back. Why do I get the feeling that what bothered Blaire wasn’t Dave’s “openess” but that Dave didn’t allow Blaire to talk about herself enough. Which she clearly loves to do. I can hear it now….”Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do YOU think about me?” And since I’m baring my claws, I’ll go further. That girl is an averagely attractive woman who posted some highly air brushed photo of herself. And she didn’t even have the stones to post the negative feedback she’s received-check out her guestbook. She wants everyone to think the the public is totally behind her. About 80% of her guestbook entries are hostile/critical/brutal opinions from her “public.”
Face it…she’s one of the thousands of averagely attractive women who have deluded themsleves into pining for guys out of their league. She’s no Maxim model, but her expectations would make you think she was.
January 13th, 2005 at 5:46 pm
Is there anything wrong with Montclair State University? Some of us weren’t born with a silver spoon in our mouths, offering the luxury of not dealing with school loans or uptight ivy leaguers.
Perhaps there is an insecurity issue with Mr. Mann, as his book knowledge may be advanced beyond Mr. Pizzi’s, but social interaction is nearing zero.
He was able to write this article, so he’s not quite at zero…