Hair Watch: Day 1
“We’ve got better vision, better ideas, real plans, we’ve got a better sense of what’s happening to America,” said John Kerry, campaigning on Wednesday. “And we’ve got better hair.”
So, it’s official, the hair is fair game!
To wit: There was a hilarious commentary in today’s Inquirer from my second favorite columnist, Tanya Barrientos (the first being Inga Saffron). The piece was titled “Democrats depend on duo’s do’s.” Here’s how Barrientos sums up the Donkey Party’s mane men (starting with Kerry):
No Democrat has had hair this notable since the Kennedy era. Kerry’s got that flinty patriot wave, kind of like Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. Even his hair is craggy. Edwards looks like Glen Campbell, before the DWI.
President Bush has a decent head of brown. But it’s not showy. It’s not spellbinding. It’s not even funny. And Vice President Dick Cheney? Let’s just say his head’s an homage to the Capitol.
Also on the Inky website: a poll about “Which candidate spends the most time with his hair dryer in the morning?” How is it possible that Cheney is beating Bush in the voting? Are we really that superstitious about casting any sort of vote for Dubya?
About Hair Watch: In response to popular demand, this will be the first in a new series, an expose on the ugly reality of hair’s influence on electoral politics. Not really sure where this will take us, but God willing, it’ll be less annoyingly didactic than my rants on malpractice litigation.
A certain person once asked me: “Would you rather date/sleep with a man who was a)fat, b)smelly, or c)bald?” I declined to answer, or lied, I can’t remember which. For the truth, just look at the hair I choose to marry. I like my presidents’ hair like I like my men: black and lots of it.
So, what you’re saying is … you’re voting for Dennis Kucinich?