25 Random Things About Me (Illustrated)

Scout in front of the near-perfect 2008 tree

Posted this a month or so ago on Facebook, and figured I might as well overshare here as well.

1. I care deeply about having a Christmas tree with strong needle retention, perfectly conical shape, and enough height to touch the ceiling. No matter what it costs. If that means having an argument with my wife at the Christmas tree farm about the stupidity of my random holiday whims, so be it.

2. A year ago I leased a convertible. It didn’t occur to me at the time, but after a few months it became clear: I’m turning into my father, and my midlife crisis is setting in a decade too early.

3. As a child, my most prized possession was a stunt football that Lyle Alzado crushed in a Tegrin medicated dandruff shampoo commercial. It’s a little odd when you think about it, seeing as how I was a terrible football player. Also: Even to this day, I only use Tegrin on my cats.

4. Now that John Updike is finally out of the picture, I’m fairly certain John Hodgeman is the greatest living American writer. At the very least, the greatest living American writer named John.

5. I find it extremely odd and borderline creepy that my wife browses Facebook photo albums of people she doesn’t even know. Should I be concerned about that?

6. As a child, I subsisted entirely on Stouffer’s microwave breakfasts, Celeste microwave pizzas, Hot Pockets, Crystal Light, Tab, and Fresca.

Stephen Baldwin playing vigilante

7. Of all the articles I’ve written, my favorite was a profile of born-again actor Stephen Baldwin. Even though Baldwin tried to cancel the article and refused to be interviewed, I wrote it anyway — profiling his quest to put an adult DVD store out of business, rallying the Rockland County evangelical community, and just generally being a nut. Funny as Alec is on 30 Rock, Stephen is still my favorite Baldwin.

8. I skied all the double diamonds at Magic Mountain in Londonderry, Vermont. Back when that meant something.

9. The secret to my ultra-fluffy omelets: Instead of using heavy cream to whip up the eggs, I use a dollop of ReddiWip. Also, I sing the “Dollop of Daisy” jingle while whipping.

10. My cats have thoroughly prepared me for fatherhood. And by that I mean, Fuzzy and Scout wake me up at 6:30 every morning with a solid 20 minutes of ear-bleed-inducing caterwauling.

11. Hobos are disgusting and deceptive. I’ve felt that way for 10 years, ever since I asked the one of Perry Street to sell my Sony Playstation for a 20 percent commission, only to have him skip town without repaying me a dime. I’ll never fence anything through a guy calling himself “Electronic Ed” again.

12. I’ve all but given up on my dream of being a full-time writer, mainly because it’s impossible to make a living at it. I’ve also stopped subscribing to a dozen or so newspapers and magazines in the past year. I wonder if those two trends have anything in common.

Hanging with Ruth, after a book reading on Penn's campus

13. Of all the people I’ve worked with, Dr. Ruth may be my favorite. Certainly top five. I helped update her memoir for paperback when I worked at the Penn Press. After the book came out, she left me the sweetest, most heavily accented voicemail message I’ve gotten, to say thanks. I saved it and listened to it constantly for a week. Sometimes I still replay it in my dreams.

14. Few things in life have made me as happy as having a driveway. We’ve lived in our house now for six months and I still smile every time I pull into it.

15. The only thing that would bring me more joy: If Penn finally won a game in the NCAA tournament. Oh yeah, and having children, too. I look forward to both.

One of my final Suburbarazzi segments on RNN

16. While living in Westchester, I appeared on television every other Tuesday (RNN, channel 6) to talk about celebrity gossip in the Hudson Valley. Yeah, I’m as baffled about that as you probably are.

17. According to family lore, one of my ancestors was the first person hanged in America. Supposedly, it was because he was sleeping with other men’s wives. Another ancestor, my great grand uncle, was the first Episcopal bishop of South Dakota and used to do his ministering on horseback. He retired to Florida to tend orchids.  As far as I’m concerned, the two cancel each other out.

18. When I was eight, I made my first major purchase: a leather briefcase with my initials monogrammed into the top. I carried my drawing tablets to school for a week in it, until the taunts were unbearable. After that, it sat in my family’s attic until age 16, when it became a hiding place for animation cells and Playboy magazines.

19. Speaking of Playboy, I interviewed for a job at the magazine in my mid-20s. Though I didn’t get the gig, I still like to imagine how different my life would have turned out if I had. If nothing else, how great would it have been to tell people, “Oh, I just work at Playboy for the articles”?

20. Of the thirty or so girls who I’ve had major crushes on, all but one had a first name that began with the letter “c.” That one exception was named Ana.

Wii Fit's cruel, cruel game of "Guess your BMI?"

21. I’m not in good health. My doctors (and persistent back pain) tell me I have two herniated discs. My acupuncturist (Adil Ali) tells me I need to embrace an anti-inflamatory diet. And my Nintendo Wii tells me that I have bad balance, qualify as obese, and have a Wii Fit age of 38.

22. I know that last part because I’m guest blogging this week on my colleague’s “Fit Like Mii” blog, while he’s on furlough. The idea being to document my progress losing weight using Wii Fit. According to the program, after the first 20 minutes I lost 2.2 pounds. Yipee! http://blogs.thedailyjournal.com/fitlikemii

23. Blogging is one of my great passions. And also greatest embarrassments, seeing as how I never stick to my resolution to blog daily, even on my work blogs. Aside from the one mentioned above, I author two for the Courier-Post, and I’m not above begging for comments. Please, please, pretty please! Here, I’ll even give you the addresses:
MoJo DoJo, devoted to the intersection of journalism and technology.
Go Go Gadget, about — you guessed it! — gadgets.

24. When I was 10, I helped my mom bury the remains of our family dogs in the back yard. Only catch: It was the back yard of a house we’d moved out of five years before. Does it qualify as breaking and entering if you never actually go inside the house, or is that just trespassing?

25. Back in college, when it appeared that I disliked Ana Mendes, I actually harbored a crush. Yes, I called her a cheap tipper, and threw her shower supplies in the trach, and kicked her out of a moving car for being a negative Nancy about my hunt for the perfect ice cream. But that’s just because I like to express my emotions as a 6-year-old boy might. All along, I secretly dug her.

Of course, I had no idea about the creepy Facebook photo album tendencies back then. Thank God for that.

Ana's actual Facebook profile photo